Do I deserve all this?…

“Do we deserve all this?” Marta talking to herself and feeling The Guilt kicking…

We are ready to embark on our second term at Green School after an incredible one week vacation discovering the northern rim of Bali.

Our first stop was the town of Lovina, about two hours north of Ubud. Our driver, Agung, took us through beautiful jungles, a massive volcano, remote villages, windy, steep roads, sparkling lakes and peaceful temples before arriving to this seaside town on the Northern coast. In Lovina we spent a couple of days enjoying the tropical scenery of lush grounds coming into the ocean, marveled at the bright multicolored sunsets, went kayaking and waterfall jumping, we climbed palm trees, built fairy houses, relished on local seafood meals, played with the frogs at dusk, perfected our cartwheels and hand stands…

From Lovina we drove to West Bali National Park where we spent three magical days surrounded by the most remote, secluded, untouched, serene, wild and spectacular natural scenery. A paradise of mangroves, arid forests (surprisingly, no jungle here!) and crystal clear waters in countless shades of blue merging with the bright sky. We enjoyed biking, snorkeling, running and horseback riding. We watched giant lizards, monkeys, deer and birds and embraced the many sounds of nature. We were even greeted by the magnificent volcanos of Java standing majestically in front of our eyes.

And if that wasn’t enough we even got to explore the underwater world of Menjangan Island. A celebration of the marvels of the ocean: walls of living coral feeding and sheltering infinite numbers of bright colored fish of all shapes and sizes, sea anemones dancing to the gentle currents where tiny clown fish seemed to play hide and seek, colonies of squid using their jet propulsion moves and camouflaging in the turquoise waters, never-ending soft coral gardens “waltzing” to the whims of the waves coming and going, giant shells in disguise covered in the most striking patterns and colors and even a giant eel greeting us! All in the company of our new friends from Green School, the Johnson family from Colorado: Parker and Ashley, Bode (9), Aria (7) and Talullah (2). Thank you, Johnsons! My words cannot really do it justice…

And so I wonder… Do I deserve all this? Do we deserve all this?

We started our journey almost 4 months ago and I still have to pinch myself every day to make sure that this is all for real. From our daily routine (yes we sort of have one!) full of challenges, big and small, that make us feel empowered, to the sense of freedom triggered by life in this incredible, open, natural and vibrant environment of beautiful jungle and endless rice fields. From the joy that Green School brings to our kids (and to our family), who are thriving and growing in the most magical way, to the new friendships sprouting and blooming along the way. From the love that I see in Jeff flipping his life upside down to become a dedicated full time dad and husband to admiring his efforts on pushing himself through his own journey of self-discovery to find his place in this new and foreign life. From all the extra bonuses that arise in the form of weekend and vacation trips to different areas, to all sorts of new experiences and discoveries. From  learning how to pause and enjoy the moment to embracing our newly acquired and increasing awareness of ourselves and our surroundings.

Coming from a conservative, traditional, catholic upbringing I still carry around traces of a deep sense of guilt that always brings me back to questioning myself; Am I good enough to deserve Jeff and the family that we are raising day-by-day?  Have I worked hard enough to merit this journey on which we have embarked? Is it justifiable to take a full year off so we can indulge in our family? Have I truly earned all these great challenges and opportunities? Are we having way too much fun? And I wish I had an answer so I could let go of The Guilt, but I don’t…

I don’t have an answer but I am sure working on at least reconciling with The Guilt (and I have for many, many years) and for the first time in my life I can openly write about it.

Bigger than The Guilt is the endless Gratitude that I feel from the past that has made me who I am today: my Spanish heritage, my family in Spain and in the US, the friends that have come, the friends that have gone, the friends that are always with me through time and distance, the challenges that I have faced, my empowering achievements and endless failures, the risks that I have tackled, the good and bad choices that I have made, the unexpected opportunities that have crossed my path and the opportunities that I have created for myself. I feel deep Gratitude for the sacrifices and compromises made, for not always having it my way, for the hard fights, for my freedom, my passion, my strong will (that can also bring me so much grief!) and my physical and emotional strength.

I am filled with deep appreciation for the present that shapes us and continues to help us grow: for my partners-in-crime Jeff, Pia, Marcus and Clara, for our new friends, for life in Bali, for Green School, for the jungle and the ocean, for our peaceful home in the rice fields, for the many opportunities to exercise daily, for the delicious Indonesian food, for all the new things that I learn every day (including Bahasa Indonesia language!), for the joy I get writing these words (my therapy, really!)…

I am filled with deep excitement about the future. I have no idea about what the future has in store for us but we will take is as it goes and we will continue to figure things out just like you, who is kindly reading these words (impressive if you have made it this far in the essay!).

We feel deeply Fortunate to be where we are, physically and emotionally, but we can also fearlessly, loudly and clearly state that Fortune is not how we made it here or how we will continue to move forward. Just like  you, we too have worked hard to be where we are. We have made choices and sacrifices. We have tested our patience time and again and we have joined joined forces relentlessly: without rushing but without pausing either. And now we are harvesting.

I will keep on working on not measuring myself by what I deserve or not. Instead I will continue to make sure that we do not take any day for granted, that we do not stop feeling gratitude for the past and for the present, that we do not allow uncertainty and fear stop us from our future, that we do not forget to embrace the harmonious times and that we work through the hard moments, as they are all equally valuable and necessary. We will keep on using all these tools and acquiring new ones so we can continue to make conscious choices to move forward. No matter what. No matter where. Lovingly. Together.