” I am ready…”

”I am ready to go back to Bali” Pia reflecting on summer vacation coming to an end. By Marta Kaltreider

It has been many months since our last post… So much has happened since making the decision we were staying in Bali for another year that I do not even know where to start: mini adventures full of discovery, family and friends coming to visit from overseas, exciting job opportunities for Marta, entrepreneurial prospects for Jeff to dig deep into, heartfelt tears to a few friends parting ways, end-of-school year performances, a most beautiful and emotional Kindy graduation for Clara, summer vacation in the US to get reacquainted with dear friends and family, a peak at our old life, the sale of our home in Santa Monica, returning back to Bali for the new school year, reconnecting with new friends, more family visits upon our return to Indonesia, the first small adventure of the school year (Java!)…

But even more than the succession of events, when I reflect on these past months, what really strikes me is how much has happened internally. So many unseen transformations; so intense, deep, deep inside.  Bubbling feelings of fear, insecurity, surrender and uncertainty, that never allow me to feel too comfortable, too confident, too certain… and what is most important, fear, insecurity, surrender and uncertainty that I can embrace, tolerate, even appreciate! – no, I am not torturing myself 🙂 –

I am under the impression that another big shift has been unfolding. Happiness – for lack of a better word – comes from a very different place now. For the first time in my life, I find happiness through my vulnerability; my weaknesses are just as exposed as my strengths yet I do not feel the need to hide them or disguise them but rather acknowledge them, hold hands with them and just keep walking. My vulnerability comes hand-in-hand with a deep sense of calm, a powerful feeling of freedom and liberation, a certain lightness and a surprising capacity to let go.

I do not feel the urge to keep up with the expectations of being the perfect mother to perfect children, or the perfect wife, daughter, sister or friend… I do not need to measure myself by whatever aspirations or expectations I, or others, may have for me. Instead, I just live the moment through trial and error. I mess up, plainly. I take responsibility, openly. I pause. I reflect. I try again later. And regardless, all through the moment, I never cease on giving to myself, my family, my friends and others.

But despite of, or maybe thankfully because of, this resurfaced vulnerability, I feel very much alive. I can continue to grow, I can allow myself to let go. More and more I am humbled by others. My love for Jeff, my children and myself grows deeper and stronger. I love more than I ever have before and I believe that to be the root of the fulfillment that I feel, especially during those moments when I feel extremely vulnerable…

I feel deep gratitude to have the opportunity to experience this journey. Not a day goes by without thanking the Universe for this life (corny, but true!). I am regressing back to just being the Marta that I was born to be. Without costumes, without makeup, without roles. Growing but not changing in essence. Plain and simple. Human. Loving.

Thank you.

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