“But you never struggle, mamá!”

“But you never struggle, mamá!” “Of course I struggle, Marcus. I struggle every day! But just because I struggle it doesn’t mean I can’t keep on trying” – Marcus trying to figure out how to deal with a difficult situation. By Marta Kaltreider.

It has been over two months since we came back to Bali to start our second year and, compared with last year at this same time, a completely different set of challenges are unfolding in front of us. I can officially say that the honeymoon is over… Yes, I am no longer showered with that feeling of Bali bliss that I experienced throughout last year and that never seemed to leave my side. That feeling of wonder and admiration at this island’s endless and wholesome beauty has shifted.

Well, beautiful and wholesome Bali continues to be beautiful and wholesome. Not much has changed other than a few paved roads here and there so, what is going on? A local saying states that if Bali loves you, Bali will keep you or will bring you back. On the contrary, if Bali doesn’t love you, it will kick you out to never return. Strange saying. Hard to make sense of it, but interesting nevertheless. After one year deep into Bali life, I have seen enough to believe that there is some degree of truth to that saying. Or maybe I have gone completely mad! But regardless, and for the purpose of this reflexion, I am going to assume I am indeed sane…

Ever since we arrived to Bali this second time around, I feel like we continue to be hit with well-aimed catapulted projectiles in the form of extremely complex challenges. I am not talking about the difficult challenges that we all face as part of day-to-day life. No, I am talking about challenges that are hard to put in context and rationalize.

Never once last year I felt afraid that someone would break in and take ownership of our personal belongings. It doesn’t feel so good when you get robbed in your own home – more than once… as one realizes that things are not being misplaced by little hands but rather mysteriously disappearing! -, discover who it is and cannot do anything about it. Stealing is an incredible serious crime in Indonesia and the consequences on the perpetrator are way too painful for any of us to bear. After all, I understand the temptation since some of our neighbors really do not have much… I feel like my sense of safety has been shattered though, my trust has gone up in flames, my heart has been poisoned a bit, and my internal alert system is fully functioning… What a shame…

After a year of much needed pause and reflection, Jeff is ready to jumpstart his professional life in new ways and he is deep into two great opportunities. Starting a new venture is never easy, especially in a foreign country. Especially in an underdeveloped foreign country. Yet there are different degrees of difficult: challenging difficult and against all odds difficult. It is hard to walk on a new path as the floor that supports you keeps on disappearing so you fall… again and again… just as if you were playing a game on a magic map in which the roads suddenly vanish.

Legally, bureaucratically and financially, Indonesia is a land of exceptions and ever-changing laws, especially if you are a foreigner. Even the “simpler” of processes such as renewing your visa – simple as in familiar because you do it several times, not simple as in uncomplicated – can turn into an episode of Breaking Bad – minus the meth-. Honestly, who would want to end up in an Indonesian jail? Not us… We want to do it by the book. But every time we have the book the pages seem to turn to dust!

Over the last two months our health has been intensely tested more times than it ever was, for all of us together, the entire last year. How does waking up to a son that looks like a bullfrog sound? No kidding here! – A bacterial infection overtook his neck glands that ballooned up to impressive levels (oh, and it happened to Jeff too!). And since I am at it, and although purely anecdotal, it is  worth noting, even if just for the fun of it, that while Marcus seemed to have been cast with this nasty bullfrog spell, Jeff was in Singapore and we had major electricity and water issues at home. It all went down kind of like this:

6:00 am. Good morning, Monday! Time to get up, Marta!

Why is the fan acting funny?… My phone is not charging.?!?… Hmmm… looks like we have electricity issues. Oh well, I hope I can still take a shower.

6:05 am. Ahhh… Thank you shower… Funny water pressure but still, nothing like a shower in the morning to start the day fresh. All soaped up, nice and foamy, ready to rinse. Oh, wait! No more water coming out of the shower? Really? What the…!?!

6:20 am. Good morning, Marcus! I mean, good morning bullfrog!?! Have you seen my son? – I wonder if a loving kiss will bring my prince back… – I need to rush him to the doctor: he is in pain, he has a fever – where is the darn thermometer!?! –  Plus he is looking rather stiff (not to mention swollen!).

6:25 am. Let’s see… Unexpectedly reconfigured Monday morning “to do” list:

1- Who can help me take the girls to school so I can rush Marcus to the doctor? Thank you, Ibu Karen. You really are the Mary Poppins of our times.

2- Rush Marcus to the doctor.

3- Cancel all commitments and find a replacement for my class: Oops! it looks like Pak Aga’s wife just went into labor so, he is out. Pak Noan? Right… it is camp week for Middle School so he is gone… Ibu Leslie (aka Head of School), pick up the phone pretty please! “Sorry to bother you this early on a Monday morning, Ibu Leslie, but I have a situation and I could really use some help…”

3b- Cell phone, P-L-E-A-S-E do not run out of battery because I  cannot charge you without electricity!

4- One more… pass water and electricity issues to Simon, our landlord. It would be nice if by the end of the day today we were able to wash hands and dishes, even rinse off the soap in the shower under the light of a working lightbulb…  What a luxury. (Thank you, Simon. You really came through for us!)

5- JEFF!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME ALL THE WAY FROM SINGAPORE?!?!  No, you don’t have cell coverage so hopefully you are on wi-fi and can get my SOS through whatsapp…

And so that was the beginning of a simple Monday…

…

I believe, that every emotional challenge manifests itself physically. Therefore, as I once heard, working on the equivalent physical part will provide additional tools to tackle the emotional side of life. I feel that my endurance and resilience are being tested: Am I, are we, strong enough to overcome the tests of this host island that we love so much? Is Bali kicking us out? The answer is I don’t know. But I have two choices:

1- I let doubt and fear of the future take over, live quietly under the radar and leave when the year is over or,

2- I embrace the present and work on my endurance and flexibility so I can face whatever lies ahead, with strength, flow and focus in order to make conscious choices and therefore take on the consequences.

Well, I choose the latter. I choose to stay strong, to be flexible and to stay focused, hence I run and I stretch and I practice yoga. Lately, completing a 5k or 10k run, or going through a whole yoga class feels a lot harder than it should be. But the effort helps. I don’t have answers. I have no control over the future. But I have endurance, strength, flexibility  and focus to make conscious choices in the present.

So, just as buddhists put it:

Do I have a problem?

If the answer is “no”: then don’t worry about it.

If the answer is “yes”: then I ask myself: “can I solve it?”

if the answer is “no”: then don’t worry about it.

if the answer is “yes”: then don’t worry about it.

To what I add: Stay strong – keep up the morning runs -, be flexible – continue stretching -, embrace the present – practice yoga – and clarity will come my way.